Rise up again

I’ve been reading “Rising Strong” by Brene Brown. It’s a book about coming back from a fall and overcoming disappointment. 

Reading Brown has forced me to admit the feeling that’s been hovering over me for months now. It’s a feeling of failure. 

If I’m completely honest, parts of 2015 felt like failure.

Many of you who know me and what happens here at the Ranch might disagree. You might say, “Look at how good God has been to you” or “So many positive things have happened.” And I agree. I am so thankful.

But to deny my sense of disappointment in multiple arenas — socially, professionally, creatively — would be inauthentic. The grand vision of giving everything up to follow Him more fully didn’t look like this. At least I didn’t imagine feeling like this.

Brown’s thing is that if you live a life of vulnerability and wholeheartedness in which you “show up” and put yourself out there in the arena — be it creatively, professionally, relationally and, I would add, spiritually — you will occasionally fall. You will be criticized and disappointed. The trick is being brave enough to get back up and try again.

Recently I spent several hours in prayer ministry. I forgave people for hurting or disappointing me in small ways, here and there. The kinds of small ways that add up and become a heavy weight, like a backpack full of textbooks in high school.

Mostly, though, I spent time forgiving myself. I needed to forgive me for letting me down. For not being the rock star I want to be in various capacities, for small failings and larger misses. Amidst spilling tears, I forgave myself for losing some of the fervour and passion I felt two years ago for building the Kingdom.

I needed to extend mercy to myself, because He does. He has so much grace for my process, for my learning curve, for falls after glory moments. His perspective is eternal.

It’s time to rise up again.