The finer points of friendship: Learning to listen

I love to talk. Love. To. Talk.

Talking helps me figure out how I feel. When I'm able to express my thoughts and feelings, it gives them order, makes them understandable and manageable and safe. Words give structure to those scary or uncomfortable or joyful things inside me. For me, the tangible formation of words takes some of  the negative power out of negative emotions and increases the celebration of the good things.

Words are my love language. If I'm testing the waters in a new friendship, I'll tell you what I've been thinking and see how you handle it. The more I like you and trust you, the more words I'll share with you. If I really love you, I can talk to you for hours. Like literally. Ask Andrew.

A few years ago when we were living in Guelph, one of my best friends and I would drive to hockey every week. The drive was about half an hour and sometimes we'd be pulling up at the rink and I'd realize that I'd been talking the whole time.

Part of it was that she's such a good question asker. Bonnie can draw anyone out, but especially a verbaphile like me. So it got that I would have to almost look at my watch and stop mid-sentence halfway through the ride to ask her how her week was. It took all my self-control to do that. Not because I didn't want to hear from her, because I did. But because I had so much to tell her. Over years of driving together, Bonnie taught me so much about being a listener.

Some people find all my talking overwhelming. We were learning about communication styles in class the other day and found out that some people consider interruptions the sign of a good conversation. When I'm so excited about what you're saying that I'll interrupt you to build on your thoughts, we are truly connected. (Me.) Other people need pauses in conversation to feel like they're welcome to speak, like there's space for them to think and express themselves. (Not me.)

So here's what I've learned about listening: Sometimes silence in a conversation is the most important moment. And sometimes a good question is far more meaningful than my very best wit or wisdom.

Despite how much of a gift I feel it is to offer up my inner world to my friends, it's an even greater gift to my friends to value their inner world enough to listen well.

This is the first post in a series called "The finer points of friendship."